Thursday, September 20, 2012

Baby Factory Closed

I know this is a rambling hot mess, but it's been on my mind, and I wanted to get it out.

Throughout my pregnancy with Corrin, once we found out she was a girl, people would say, "Oh, that's nice.  A boy and a girl.  Now you're done!"  If not those exact words, then some variation of that statement.  I would always do the smile and nod in response.  The problem is that I never felt like my family would be complete with only two children.  I always envisioned at least three babies, and wanted more than that.

Right now, it looks like that vision is over.  Hearing from my doctor the way my body healed after my first c-section caused Mikey and I some concern.  {Read about it HERE.}  While my doctor did all that she could do to insure that my body heals better from this c-section, she can't guarantee that everything will be okay if we do decide to have another baby.  She also reiterated how happy she was that it wasn't an emergency c-section.  If that had been the case, she says she probably would have sliced right through my bladder trying to get to Corrin.  I know that the Lord was guiding her hand as she did this surgery.  She could have still sliced through my bladder even though it wasn't an emergency situation.

The question that Mikey and I asked ourselves was, "Are we willing to risk my health to have a larger family?"  For the record, Mikey has said since we found out we were pregnant that if this was a girl, we were done.  I am the one who held out hope for a larger family.   The answer was a resounding NO.  We are not willing to risk that I won't be here to help raise our children or that he will have to raise them alone.  We are also not willing to risk another surgery with the chance that my organs will have attached themselves to each other again.  The next time could be so much worse.  {I also know that I could be worried about nothing.}  So it looks like the Giles family baby factory is closed for business.

Most days, the thought that I will never carry another little life within myself make me want to cry.  Other days, I try not to think about it at all.  Corrin's pregnancy was more difficult than Micah's, but there were still things that I love about being pregnant.  I love the bond with baby.  I love feeling the first fluttering kicks, and figuring out baby's schedule.  I love my big round belly.  My belly is always the first thing that I miss about pregnancy.  While I do not like the uncomfortableness, the aches, and the insomnia, I feel like the good outweighed the bad.

Okay.  Enough with the self-pity.  I'll try to post something happy later today.

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